Month: September 2010

My wife gets on me (not literally … well, okay, occasionally, but that’s not the point of this sentence) for spending too much time on the Interwebs. I spend eight hours a day working on a corporate website, then go home and unwind mostly by surfing for a few hours. I spend most of my lunch time perusing ultra-conservative blogs on my Android for the hilarity factor. Even when I’m doing non-computer things, I’ll have Pandora or some internet radio station playing my phone. All my hair has fallen out. My eyes have grown huge and pale. Sunlight burns us. That sort of thing.

She has a point, but it’s not really my fault; it’s YOURS. Yes, you, the readers. You’re all out there being entertaining and intriguing and informative and alluring for the cost of a couple of net connections. Huge swaths of human knowledge are right there at my fingertips. It’s a crime not to take advantage of that.

I’ve decided to make a gigantic Hail Mary effort for success. It has a lot of chutzpah, so maybe people will mistake that for effort and give me money.

I’m going to sell the dedication to my entire future creative output for the price of a single 30-second Super Bowl ad. Yes! Rather than waste millions on a boring ad that may not have any impact at all on already established national brands, one company can simply give me the same amount of money and I will live on that for the rest of my natural life. This will free up my time and energy to actually USE these best years of my life to enrich the world with literature and art rather than toil in drudgery until I’m too old and feeble to make use of the ideas I have now.

So, for only 3.1 million bucks (the price of a single 2010 ad, according to reports), here’s what you get:

• I will legally change my middle name (currently “Scott”) to the name of your company.
• I will perform in any advertisements for you, in any format, free and clear for the rest of my life.
• Everything I make, write, draw, publish, etc. for the rest of my life will be primarily dedicated to your company. Forever. If I live another 50 years, I’ll still be turning out stuff dedicated to your company. (Note that my creative output might not be about your company, but simply dedicated to it. It’s still a good deal.)
• I will never, publicly or privately, verbally, pictorially, or in writing, criticize or insult your company, or try to draw criticism to it. Even if your company does something horrific. You’ll always have at least one fan.
• It’s a public relations HOME RUN. Your company will appear to care about people, not shallow consumerism. And I’ll back you up every step of the way.

All of the above terms will last for my entire life, even if your company becomes defunct.

Do you think you’d get that sort of lifetime commitment out of a Super Bowl ad? Do you want to spend so much money on something that will be barely remembered for a month before people get sick of it, or do you want to make a REAL difference in the REAL world for (hopefully) many years to come?

Have your people contact my people. Let’s get this done.