Punt the pundits, shock the jocks

Hidey ho, good Interneighbors. I’m doing some bloggin’ on the sly using the new Windows Live Writer, don’t mind me, just hanging out, ho hum.

So how about those politics today, huh? Man, it’s like you can’t swing a cat without hitting someone who hates the very concept of swinging cats. I’ve heard the following things recently, spoken by people who are, beyond all reason, apparently 100% serious:

“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” (Lesbian alternative: “… not Madam and Eve.” Zombie alternative: “… not Adam and Brraaaainsss.”)

“If they came up with a National Association for the Advancement of White People, boy people would be screaming about it!” (Ahem … the Klan? Freemasons? Late-night network TV?)

“There’s no way the world is more than 6,000 years old. Carbon dating has problems.”

“Global warming? Then why is it getting cold outside?” (universally said with a punchably smug look on the face)

“God created the banana just for us! It’s a no-slip grip that fits perfectly in the human hand! No way could that evolve entirely by chance!” (Said nearly verbatim by, of all people, Kirk Cameron. Yes. Really.)

Okay, now, look. People, please, for the love of Pete and Pete, please stop listening to pundits, advertisers, political cartoonists, or entertainers for anything other than entertainment. They don’t know any more about the problems of the world and how to solve them than you do. They’re not religious or political prodigies or pure-born philosopher-kings. They’re people with nice faces or voices who get paid to tell you either what you want to hear or to paint their opposition as evil monstrous baby-mauling boogeymen. YOU ARE IN DANGER they cry, THE WORLD IS FALLING APART, THE CHRISTIAN AMERICA YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW IS SOON LOST FOREVER. REPENT NOW LEST YE BECOME GODLESS COMMUNISTS, YEA, EVEN UNTO THE SEVENTH GENERATION. In truth, the “mythical America” they paint only existed in an ignorant bubble surrounded by crying people of other ethnicities.

Which leads me to my next point: White people in America are NOT OPPRESSED MINORITIES AND ARE IN NO DANGER OF EVER BECOMING ONE. SHUT YOUR STUPID DAMN FACE AND SIT YOUR LILY-WHITE PUSTULENT ASS DOWN. Even if we lose the greater percentage over a few dozen years, we still pretty much own the economy. We commonly live in a type of luxury unknown even to kings a couple hundred years ago. We are so high on the hog nobody else even knows what bacon smells like. Do you know why there’s a NAACP? Because without one, rich white people would still be dropping deuces on other races from the top of the Empire State Building. In fact, they’re still doing it even now, just not quite as much and at least having the good sense to seem contrite when their victims get mad about it.

Third: Hey you know what’s no longer hilarious? Photoshop! (Actually that’s not true, Photoshop is always hilarious. But the Internet got over putting Hitler moustaches on people years ago. And putting people in Joker makeup without any context is just weird. If you’re trying to be funny, at least try to be funny.)

Fourth: Did you know Jesus helped people no matter what sort of situation they were in or what sort of past they had? He even said that rich people have a heck of a time getting into Heaven, and that no matter how much money we make down here, it will be useless in the Kingdom. I know, how anti-capitalist. (Also, guess what He said about homosexuality. Here’s a hint: “”)

Sorry, I hate to rant, but I had to get all this off my chest. It’s been a weird few weeks pundit-wise and it’s just getting worse. And for the record, what the hell, let Rush buy the Rams. Five hundred years from now everyone involved will be dust and nobody living will give a rat’s ass. May as well let him reduce a number which we pretend means “worth” to do something temporarily distracting. He built that number up the same way.

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