I’m about to be controversial! Watch out! HERE COMES THE CONTROVERSY!

Half the “Sci/Tech” news I see on Google News these days is either “The 8 greatest video games of all time” or “12 reasons why Apple has its head up its butt.” Inevitably, all of these stories have a huge list of comments in the vein of “YU DONT KNO WHAT U TALKIN ABOUT NO WAY IS HALO 3 BETTER THAN RIDGE RACER I’LL SLICE OUT YOUR INFANT DAUGHTER’S EYEBALLS WITH MY TRUSTY KATANA IM A NINJA WOLF WARRIOR 4 REALZ SO U BETTER WATCH UR BACK U MOTHERFU” etc.

Yet the editors of those sites love your anger, they fan it, they feed off it, it nourishes them. Or more precisely, it nourishes their ad revenue. People get drawn in by the provocative headlines, which raises their page count and makes them more attractive to advertisers, then they register with the site to post their flameouts, which increases their mailing list and makes them even more attractive to advertisers. And as advertisers flock in, your rage essentially becomes Lambourghinis which are fueled by your impotent tears.

Now I don’t advertise, so I don’t profit from creating excessive controversy. When I do start advertising, though, hold on to your butts. Here’s a smattering of the controversial topics which will carry my blog over the levees of success in a storm surge of anger:

The 10 Lamest Religious Figures: Starting with St. Loy and working all the way up to Eos, Goddess of the Dawn. How humiliating is it to be the goddess of about half an hour a day? C’mon, lady. Dare to dream.

12 Little-Known Differences Between the Sheep and the Goats: You see, the sheep have the tails that go up; the goats have the tails that go down. The sheep are the Republicans; the goats are the Democrats. (I have now officially written a joke for literally two people.)

The 5 Best Teeth: I’m sure you’re all wondering how I rank teeth. Did I put the bicuspid before or after the molar? Is the incisor even on the list, or did it get snubbed again? Tune in to find out!

10 People Who Probably Have Awful Breath: Man, you’ve got to know that Donald Trump slams back about six pots of coffee a day. And I dunno, but Bonnie Hunt sure seems like the kind of woman who likes extra garlic on her pizza.

The 15 Hottest Women Ever: Including Rosie O’Donnell, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Leslie Stahl, and of course Ann Coulter for the “vomiting liberals” demographic.

75 Reasons Why Windows XP is the Best Operating System of All Time: Just the title of this article will generate enough enraged comments to send my family to the Bahamas for a year.

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