15 more things to do with an Apple iPad

Apple is famous for breaking paradigms and strategizing changes to the social structure of the Universe. But with their newest pile of secrets, the iPad, Apple has blown the doors off even their own hubris and sent the blogosphere into conniptions of joy and despair with an almost Proustian display of modern existentialist computing.

So me and the “editors” have been passing around a bottle of Jack and we’ve come up with the following list of incredibly obvious things you can do with an iPad because it’s a hot topic that gets hits when you’re a technical writer. In standard Internet journalism form, we’ll put each tip on a separate page with a barely related photo so you’ll have to click through and look at more “clever” movie-based Flash ads than the normal human sees in a week.

15: Surf the Web. We know, right? We start right off with the most obvious thing in the world. It’s MADE for surfing the Web. That’s practically all it CAN do. It’s a steaming TURDPILE compared to every other slate or laptop ever made or that ever will be made. Why do you even care about this stupid thing? Oh right, Steve Jobs, we forgot for a second. Anyway, it’s an intimate experience and you can surf the web from your armchair or something.

14: Watch movies. Admittedly you can only hold so many movies in the puny space they give you on the basic iPad, but you like watching movies, don’t you. Yes, you do. You like them. YOU LIKE WATCHING MOVIES. YOU WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE RIGHT NOW. WASTE YOUR TIME WATCHING MOVIES. DON’T DO ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE WITH YOUR LIFE. JUST RELAX AND LET THE MOVIES WASH OVER YOU. FORGET. FORGEEETTTTT.

13: Make spreadsheets. Oh yay! You can do spreadsheets! With your fingers! It’s so easy and fun! Whoopee spreadsheets! And after you do your spreadsheets, you can have a box of juice and then take a nap!

12: Admire your iPad. Just look at that sleek shiny surface. The bezels. The curves. The lack of ports for memory cards. It’s so light, so dark, so stylish. All your friends acquaintances will be so jealous when you whip this out at the coffee shop. “Don’t mind me, I’m just surfing the Web at 3G speed,” you say, sliding your finger across its smooth yielding surface. It feels like warm satin. They’re all watching you. You and the iPad. Your iPad. Oh. Oh yes. Yes.

11: Play music. Just like every other electronic device you’ve bought in the past five years. But the iPad music experience is totally different. Er, somehow.

10: Make phone calls. Oh, no, wait, that’s left over from when we wrote this exact same article a couple of years ago for the iPhone. Well, maybe you can use Skype – no, hold on, it doesn’t have a camera. We’re not even sure it has a microphone and we’re too drunk to check right now. You could IM, we suppose, if you don’t mind pecking awkwardly at an on-screen keyboard. Yeah, let’s go with that.

9: Run fart apps. Oh shut up, it’ll have thousands of them, don’t even deny it. Maybe they can combine them with a flashlight app. The Fartlight. Hmmm. I have to make a phone call to some developers I know.

8: Check your email and run a spreadsheet at the same time. Hahahahahahahahahahaha oh we crack ourselves up.

7: Surf the Web, anywhere, anytime. We know this is essentially point 15 warmed over but we’ve included the go-anywhere stuff because it’s the big thing right now. We’ve often wished we could access the Internet from Pike’s Peak or the Grand Canyon or Niagara Falls or many other places of grand natural spendor. Pshh. It’s usually just some trees and a pile of rocks anyway.

6: Serving tray/big Frisbee/packing material. We’re running out of ideas to pad out this list, so we’ll plop in a big fat ol’ dollop of Internet wacky. Oh! You can also Rickroll people with it in public! Classic!

5: Play games. If there’s one thing the iPhone has taught us, it’s that people will pay over and over and over again to play Tetris and Bejeweled. So there you go. It’s a game machine now. We Have Spoken.

4: Go paperless. Because it doesn’t print, you see. Seriously, it doesn’t. We have to spin that to seem like a good thing, so we’ll make that out like it’s a revolution in the paperless workplace. To be honest we think this is a mind-boggling omission, but we can’t say anything bad because Apple advertises a LOT and we want some’a’dat sweet sweet moneys. We have house payments to make and Naruto DVDs to buy. Don’t judge us.

3: Compute on the toilet. Yes, another point that overlaps points 15 and 7, but instead of “surf” we say “compute” so it’s totally different. We didn’t title this damn article “12 things to do with an iPad,” after all. Those extra page views and the subsequent ad revenue we get from them will help ensure that we continue to bring you the very finest in Internet journalism. So anyway, you can surf while you poop LOL.

2: PORN. For fuck’s sake why are we even trying to dance around it anymore. Might as well just call it the iWhack Anywhere and include a fleshlight attachment.

1: Spend, spend, spend. Screw Haiti and the war orphans in Afghanistan, I want a touchpad NOWWWWWWW!

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